The Hellsing Catz!
by Byakko
Summary: Catz II computer virtual pet game Hellsing WOT! Yet another totally random thing with the small collaboration of G, conceptualizer of Alucard the Hair Model also on this account, so please read it! Please, enjoy. Has chapters...later
1. Hellsing Catz

**Author's Notes:** Hey! Sorry if my other Hellsing series haven't been updating. Cause, I've been uber-busy this first month, what Chinese New Year, and two projects with the same deadline and so on and so forth. Chances are, I still won't be able to update frequently anymore, but that can be celebrated, since that means they're usually of better quality. Just to let you know, I'm trying to finish Hellsing the Musical first before Midian, because the Musical is much more straightforward. 

Now, I would like to point out how this random fanfic came about. Me and my friend were playing the old Catz II game, and decided, out of curiousity, to create the Hellsing cast as the catz. This fic is written in script format, and while some parts might be added in a little to make it funnier, the entire process was closely similar to this. 

P.S. For a long while, I forgot this existed in my com. In order to tell you I still write. Here it is. 

Please don't kill me... 

Enjoy the randomness!   
  
**G** - denotes my friend. 

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Me: "You'll love this, Catz was really fun when I last played it," 

G: "What do you actually do? 

Me: "Oh, you 'adopt' a cat, then you raise it, basically, but it's really cute. They can wander on your desktop!" 

G: "Got it installed yet? 

Me: "Almost," 

{2 minutes later} 

Me: "Done," (clicks program) 

G: "Looks interesting," 

Me: "Hold it, here's how you adopt a catz," (starts to select cat breed and interacts with cat) 

G: "SO CUTE!" 

Me: "Told ya," 

G: "Let me try!" 

Me: (let's G take over ) 

Me: "I liked this one the best," (indicates presently selected Black and White breed ) 

Me: "It's like to hunt mice and is really short-tempered. But cute," 

G: (playing around like a sugar-enhanced fangirl by picking up the cat and plonking it back down ) 

Me: "You can adopt this one," 

Me: (goes off somewhere for a while) 

{2 minutes later} 

Me: "How's the cat?" 

G: (grinning) 

Me: (peers at the screen) 

Me: o0 'Alucard'? The cat's name is 'Alucard'?! 

G: "Cute, right?" 

Me: "Uhhh, well, I guess it fits, sorta. What with the cat's personality and all," 

G: "We can paint them a different colour right?" 

Me: "Yeah..." 

G: "Kay," (starts to paint Alucard different colours) 

Me: "Now he's totally black!" 

G: "Sorry, I'm trying to get his front paws white, like his gloves," 

Me: "You have to paint all four legs the same colour, that's the system," 

G: "Darn..." 

Me: "Well, maybe Alucard wears white socks or something..." 

G: "Okay, try another colour," 

Me: "He's totally red now. What's this? Situation A Alucard?" 

G: "Why not?" 

Me: "It's disturbing. Period," 

G: "..." 

Me: "What?" 

G: "'Period', eh? Now who is disturbing, hm? Disgusting more like it," 

Me: "I didn't mean it THAT way, yick!" 

G: "Alright, alright. Back to Alucard..." 

G: (paints a little more) 

G: "Okay, I just want to get his mouth red..." 

G: "ARGH! His whole head is red!!" 

Me: "Maybe a blood packet broke..." 

G: "WhatEVER. ACK! Not again!" 

{a minute later} 

G: "Yay! I got it!" 

Me: "Okay, that's fine now. Looks like him, in a weird way," 

G: "Hey, we made Alucard..." 

G and Me: looks meaningfully at each other 

Me: "I know exactly the right breeds for them..." 

G: "Let's make Integral first!" 

G: (clicks back to adoption page) 

G: "You know this game, which's best as Integral?" 

Me: "Hmm...tough one...I say, the Siamese. It's the most indepedent, haughty, doesn't like taking crap from anyone, and you can't tell the males from the females and vice versa," 

G: "Riiiight..." 

(adopts Integral, the Siamese) 

Me: "Okay, we can put two of them in the same Playroom," 

G: "Hey colour's fine, right?" 

Me: "Yeah...okay, let's see how they react!" 

(Integral spots Alucard. Alucard spots Integral. Both seem a bit aggressive. Alucard crounches down while Integral pads around. Suddenly, Alucard pounces! Both cats are locked in 'fearsome' combat and roughhouse and roll about the playroom.) 

G: "So cute!" 

Me: "Who'd you think will win?" 

(Integral and Alucard keep fighting for about thirty seconds, then break up.) 

Me: "Well, that's settled. It's a draw. Let's feed 'em," 

Me: "Click and drag the milk bottle," 

G: (starts to feed Integral, but she sniffs derisively at the bottle. G then moves to Alucard, who grabs the milk bottle and rolls onto his back and suckles it like a baby) 

G: "Cuteness..." 

Me: "Ugh, Integral's feeling neglected. Better pet her," (noting look on Integral's face) 

G: (pets Integral. Alucard stops drinking the milk and springs to his feet. Looks angry) 

Me: "Oh boy, watch out for this," 

(Alucard pounces onto Integral again and both of them start fighting it out again. Still no winner once battle ends.) 

Me: "Maybe we should get two milk bottles..." 

G: (clicks on the cheese item in the Toybox and moves it out) 

G: "Look, a mouse!" 

Me: "Quick, grab it when it comes out all the way for the cheese. Then, we can start training the cats to hunt," 

(Alucard spots the mouse and walks over) 

G: "Look, he's going for it-" 

(Hears a gulp) 

G: 0-0 "He ate the mouse!" 

Me: T-T "No, he ate the cheese," 

G: o-0 "The cheese?" 

Me: -.- "Lactose intolerant, he is not," 

Me: "Oh, just give him a fish treat or something," 

G: (clicks on fish treat item) 

(Alucard and Integral snap to attention) 

G: (waves fish treat over their heads) 

(lucard pounces onto the fish treat and hangs onto it in mid-air.) 

G: "Heh, he's hanging on!" 

(Integral also follows suit, and both cats are hanging onto the fish treat) 

Me: "Woooh..." 

Me: "They look like dioramas..." 

(G: starts placing fish treats all around the screen) 

Me: "Well, that should keep the-" 

Me: 0-0 !! 

Me: "The mouse is eating the fish treat!" 

G: "Where?!" 

Me: "Grab it! Grab it!" 

G: (manages to catch the mouse and hangs it upside down by the tail) 

(Alucard licks his chops, and starts to stalk up to the mouse) 

Me: "Get ready..." 

Me: "Let go when he has a good grip on it..." 

(Alucard launches himself at the mouse, and grabs onto it in mid-air. G let's go and Alucard has pinned the mouse down with his forepaws.) 

Me: "Yes!" 

(Alucard looks up proudly and licks the mouse languidly as it struggles under his paws.) 

G: "Is he going to eat it?" 

Me: "Does Alucard eat FREAK vampires? No, he just plays with them," 

(Alucard squashes the mouse by placing full body weight on it as he balances on it with all four paws.) 

G: "Okay, that's cruel," 

(Alucard then flips onto his back, and starts kicking the mouse up into the air with his back legs.) 

(But, the mouse manages to escape and makes a break for it!) 

Me: "Catch it! Catch it!" 

(Alucard tries to chase the mouse. Integral, who had been indifferent, now tries to give chase too.) 

Me: "Oh, let them run, I think they need the exercise," 

G and Me: (watches as mouse struggles into mousehole) 

G: "Well," 

Me: "That's that, I guess," 

(Both cats are tired out and start yawning.) 

G: "Oh, they're tired," 

Me: T-T "Wow, I wonder how you figured that out..." 

Me: "Look, put them in the basket," 

G: "The basket? Why?" 

Me: "Just do it," 

(Alucard goes in first, then Integral.) 

G: "So, they're asleep," 

Me: "Wait a moment," 

(Integral looks up suddenly, looks around the basket, then jumps out.) 

Me: "There," 

G: "There what?" 

Me: "I told you the pairing would never work," 

G: -.- "Wot?" 

Me: "You heard me. I knew Integral would exit as soon as she's anywhere NEAR Alucard. And asleep," 

G: -.- "WotEVER," 

Me: "Bleh!" 

G: "Well, they're asleep, what do we do now?" (is bored) 

Me: "What we do every...minute-in-front-of-this-com-with-this-program, Pinky!" 

G: "PINKY?!" 

Me: "Sorry, I meant, let's make another one!" 

G: "Who?" 

Me: "Seras Victoria!" 

G: -.-"...you're not going to try the basket thing again are you?"


	2. Seras the FraidyCat

**Author's Note:** Hmm, more randomness. Admittedly, this will be shorter, as the basic introduction is done. But there would be at least 3 chapters, one for Seras, and Walter later. 

Now, presenting, Seras Victoria...as a cat. 

P.S. All occurences are TRUE. The interactions between catz are all TRUE to the bone! Only the conversation was tweaked! 

-----------------------------------------

Me: "Okay, now for Seras..." 

G: "So, which one?" 

Me: (thinks for a while) "Got it, the perfect one," 

Me: (chooses breed) "This is a Scaredy Cat, always shivering, and hard to make it even trust you," 

Me: "And it's strawberry blond already!" 

G: "Man, that cat DOES have the same hair colour" o0 

Me: "Watch this," (tries to pick up cat) 

G: o0 "Wow, like Spiderman," (cat has latched to the ceiling, shivering and won't come down) 

Me: "Yeah," (puts it back on the ground, only to have it fly off again 

G: T-T "You think this cat is overly qualified to be Seras?" 

Me: "Hey, this is the best we've got, okay?" 

G: "Fine, let's do this," 

(Names cat Seras and adopts her.) 

G: "Okay, so can we put her with Alucard and Integral?" 

Me: "You can only put two at a time," 

G: "Okay, let's put her with Alucard first then," 

(puts Seras in Playpen and calls Alucard in. Locks Integral out.) 

Me: "Okay, let's watch..." 

G: "I pity Seras. I mean, she's SUCH a fraidycat! She keeps jumping on the ceiling!" 

Me: "Yeah, Alucard is going to freak her out to the extreme," 

(Both cats look at each other curiously. They face each other and both stretch out a paw to touch the other's paw. They began to circle each other calmly.) 

G: "Looks okay so far," 

Me: "Yeah...woah! Watch out," 

(Suddenly, both cats have angered eyes. Both start hissing at the other, crouching down.) 

Me: "Oh man, they're going to fight?!" 

G: "I thought you said Seras' breed was a fraidy-cat!" 

Me: "She is! I mean, I guess she just isn't afraid of Alucard!" 

G: "Hey! They're fighting!" 

(Both cats began to roughhouse and tumble around, batting the other on the head and rolling about the Playpen) 

G: "Woah," 

Me: "Yeah, I wonder who'd win?" 

(the fighting goes on and on...) 

Me: "Hey,is it me or is Seras the one on top most of the time?" 

G: "Yeah, she seems to be pinning Alucard down the most," 

(Seras and Alucard roll one more time and Seras ends up on top, pinning Alucard firmly down.) 

(suddenly, they break off) 

G: . "OMG!" 

Me: . "NoWAY!" 

(Alucard walks away slowly, head hanging dejectedly and peering over his shoulder over to the 'owner' with a sad expression. Seras walks away quite proudly but otherwise non-plussed) 

G and Me: .... "Seras WON!?!?" 

Me: "That's...that's just so symbolic!" 

G: "You'd never see THAT coming!" 

Me: "AND she's supposed to be a fraidy-cat too!" 

G: (starts feeding them milk bottles, and leaving cheese next to the mousehole) 

G: "Okay, here comes the mouse..." 

Me: "Whoops, Seras has seen it!" 

(Seras looks at the mouse and starts shivering and backs away) 

G and Me: T-T "She's afraid of the mouse?" 

G: "Well, if we're going with the analogy that Mice=FREAK vampires, that kinda makes sense," 

Me: "Guess so, and it gives Alucard a one-up on Seras at least," 

(Alucard immediately stalks the mouse and tries to catch it, but the mouse runs into the hole) 

G: "Aw, he missed," 

Me: "I think we've seen enough, let's get Integral in instead now," 

G: "What, no basket?" 

Me: "Oh, shut UP!" 

(Alucard is pushed to the petdoor and Integral is called in. The door is then locked.) 

Me: "Right, let's see this," 

(Seras and Integral notice each other. They calmly inspect each other and sniff each other. Both reach out paws to touch the other.) 

G: "Looks good so far..." 

(Integral has a haughty expression, but doesn't display any aggression to Seras. Seras just looks at her curiously.) 

Me: "Hey, they're okay with each other!" 

G: "Yeah, no fighting!" 

G: (continues to feed both cats.) 

Me: "Well, we can't really do anything else now. 

G: "You've forgotten one more person..." 

Me: "...Oh yeah! How could I forget!" 

G: "Know a breed for him?" 

Me: "Yet another perfect one!" 

G: "You know, you'd think Hellsing and the Catz games were related with their breeds and mannerisms," 

Me:"I know, it's kinda creepy though, how accurate the Catz interact with each other," 

G: "But Seras beating Alucard?!" 

Me: "Like I said, it was symbolic. Maybe it means Seras may one day surpass Alucard," 

G: "And he won't be happy about it," 

Me: "Duh!" 


End file.
